Living in Yesterdays
by Swythangel
Summary: Entries in Heero's Journal , 1x4. As everyone else says...I suck at summaries! ^-^v


Author: Swythangel Author: Swythangel   
Email: swythangel@hotmail.com   
Title: Living In Yesterdays   
Rating: PG (for shounen ai content)   
Warnings: Strong Language, Slash   
Disclaimer: Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing is owned by Bandai and a passel of other people I never bothered to find out about.   
Archive: My yaoi page when I get to putting it up and anywhere else, just tell me though 

NO one kill me for doing another fic without finishing the others. Gomen I can't help it. The muses won't cooperate. 

Important: Note the dates in each entry in the journal otherwise you might get confused.Just notice the last four digits though. ^^

**Living in Yesterdays**

There are a million yesterdays…   
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01203597 

Yesterday I watched you frolic in the park with Duo, your golden hair flying in the wayward breeze that caressed the fine strands as you ran past where I sat. 

How do you do it? I always wonder about that. How can you just turn it on and off, like a light switch? How can you switch from being the deadly fighter to carefree youth in a span of a few hours? 

A trill of lighthearted laughter interrupted my thoughts and instinctively I knew that it was your laugh I hear. It sounds more like bells than a laugh. A light sound, unintrusive and pure. 

I find that I like it. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
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01203599 

Yesterday I sat on the same spot under the wide oak tree with my laptop on my knees. A niggling feeling of something missing infusing my being so much that it is impairing my ability to perform at optimum capacity. 

I stopped working then and took a walk around the park. My eyes had darted everywhere, checking for any sign of traps or ambush as I ambled on. Duo and you would have laughed at my actions, called me paranoid. But it is something that is ingrained in my being. I cannot help it. 

The sun was streaming down in gentle warmth. It was a perfect day for frolicking, which you would be doing with Duo if the two of you did not have a mission. 

In the distance I heard the pealing bells of a distant church sound. It is loud and intrusive, not anything like your laugh. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
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01203602 

Yesterday you came back from your mission exhausted and drained but physically none the worse for wear. You looked fine outside. 

But instincts made me zero in on your eyes, eyes that reflected the shifting seas on a fine clear day, aquamarine eyes. What I saw was not the calm peaceful sea but a raging turbulence that hinted at the myriad of emotions you must be feeling. 

Emotions I cannot identify. I have lived outside emotions for so long, they have been sublimated in my drive to become the epitome of what a soldier was that they are alien to me. 

All I knew was that I had to get you to bed to rest. The dilation of your eyes indicated shock. 

I led you into your room, ensconced you in your bed with maximum efficiency and gave you your habitual tea. I would have left you all alone if you had not caught hold of my arm and asked me to stay. 

Had I been Duo or any of the others I might have known what to say as I sat beside you. But I was not, am not Duo. I would have asked him to be here instead but he, as well as the others, were all out in their respective missions. 

The silence in the room seemed different from the usual silence I enjoyed. The silence seemed deafening. 

And I did not know what to do. 

Fortunately you did not ask much from me except for my presence. I watched you out of the corner of my eye as you leaned on my side, seemingly drawing warmth from me as you stared blindly at the rich ornate walls of your room. You fell asleep not soon after in the sleep only those emotionally drained could fall into. 

I never moved from my position and breathed shallowly in fear that you would wake up. NOT out of sense of caring but because it is a necessity. You are a Gundam pilot, an ally. I would need your skills in the War and you needed your rest. 

I had thought that maybe tomorrow you would be well enough that your laugh will sound in the halls again. 

You slept on and I watched over you. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
======================================= 

01203607 

Yesterday I found myself talking to you. A conversation filled with nothing particular. What was surprising was that I dominated it. I did not realize I could talk so much or that you would be a good listener. 

The remnants of your anguish these past days had vanished from your face, leaving it bright and full of hope once again. 

I remember how you just sat beside me on the grass, under the oak tree, your head tilted at an angle, eyes wide in rapt attention at my words, hair slipping down to tickle your cheek as the wind dislodged it from the golden mass. 

You did not make a move to push it back and I remember how they waved in the wind like fine gold threads unwinding from a tapestry. For some unknown reason I had wanted to reach out and touch them just to know how they would feel like. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
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01203647 

Yesterday Duo pranced around the safehouse with a strange expression on his face. My initial analysis had been that he had been hit by a heavy object and the result being what we see. Meaning that he was dazed and apparently out of it. 

His actions could actually affirm my suspicions. Instead of zooming around like the hyperactive dynamo he usually was, he actually moved at a pace normal human beings walked about in, speaking to everyone in a floaty voice that reminded me of mentally impaired people. 

I commented that his latest mission must have knocked him out of sanity but you merely smiled at me when I expressed my concern. 

You told me not to worry and that everything was alright. Duo, you said, was just in love. 

"With whom?" I had asked. 

And you told me whom. Wufei. 

Which left me flabbergasted. I would never have thought…the surprise must have shown on my usually poker face because you laughed then and said : "Love does not differentiate between sexes or even personality differences, Heero. It comes as it will." 

"Have you…" I didn't know what made me ask that but it had come unbidden to my lips. Even before I had finished saying it you answered. "Yes." 

"I haven't even finished my question yet." I frowned at your immediate answer. 

"But I already know what you are going to ask. And my answer is yes, I have fallen in love before and still am in love." 

My first instinct had been to ask who. Somehow it was important for me to know. But I stopped myself before I even thought to ask. The unspoken question hanging in the air in a heavy pall. 

Your eyes dared me to ask. I could see the challenge in your eyes…and something more. Something that provoked a response in me…a response I shied away from. 

=======================================   
There are a million yesterdays…   
======================================= 

01203649 

Yesterday I avoided you like you had an infectious disease. I could not help it. You brought up emotions I did not have the facilities to analyze right then, not with the War going on. 

My primary purpose is to end this War. Until then all other concerns must stay in the backburner. 

When I encountered you by chance in the hallway, there was a sad longing in your eyes and in a a voice barely above a whisper you told me. "I can wait, Heero." 

You might have to wait for eternity, Quatre. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
======================================= 

01203660 

Yesterday Trowa and Duo returned from a particularly difficult mission. I saw them arrive through one of the windows. I also saw you throw yourself into Duo's arms first and then Trowa's. The relief on your face was almost palpable in its intensity. 

How do you do it? Even now I wonder how you do it. How can you care so much for everyone and everything? It is a liability, especially in war, do you know that? 

One cannot become a perfect soldier if one cares too much. 

This caring and worrying saps at your strength and detracts from your concentration. It can be the chink in your armor that an enemy could exploit. If you care too much, it could prove to be your downfall. 

I need to tell you this one day so you will not be caught by it. 

=======================================   
There are a million yesterdays…   
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01203760 

Yesterday, the war has ended. It finally ended. Duo danced with joy and pestered Wufei for the most part while Trowa, you and I just stayed quiet, basking in the feeling of accomplishment and peace. 

You turned towards me, I recall, once Trowa wandered off somewhere. Turned towards me with a question in your eyes. 

I shook my head and uttered one word. "Relena." One word that meant so much, a word that filled up the space between us with a silence that was almost uncomfortable. 

Now that peace was attained the Queen of the World needed to be protected or all we have done would be in vain. I have given myself this mission. Until then… 

Of course that was just an excuse. I cannot fool myself into believing it is anything but. Because I was afraid by the emotions you aroused in me, frightened of losing myself in them. I was still not ready. 

I remember how a dozen emotions flittered through your features before you said: "Aa, I understand." The resigned broken expression on your face almost broke me down but I did not let you see. It was still not time… 

"Eternity. I can wait until eternity, Heero. Remember that." 

Eternity…sometimes I almost think you know just what I was thinking about. 

=======================================   
There are a million yesterdays…   
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01204125 

Yesterday I woke up and found myself missing you so much. I missed your caring ways and the clear liquid eyes, your gentle voice and your kindness for everyone around you. The urge to see you was almost overpowering. 

It has been a year since we last saw each other. You became engrossed with family's business and I became immersed in the job of protecting Relena. 

Finally, it is time. I am ready to acknowledge what I feel for you, finally able to embrace the thought of committing myself to a relationship that I have wanted for so long but had been afraid of. 

I have been living in yesterday for so long, trying to be the Perfect Soldier that I have almost forgotten to live. But with you by my side I am certain I will be able to move on. 

To move on to today and eventually tomorrow…to a life with you. 

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There are a million yesterdays…   
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01204228 

Yesterday I tried to get back in sync with my life…going back to Relena and my job. But somehow my mind would not function at its usual efficiency and I kept getting distracted. So I invited Duo, Trowa and Wufei to a little vacation. 

=======================================   
There are a million yesterdays…   
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01204229 

Yesterday, Trowa and Duo managed to hack into this journal and read all my messages. They lectured me that I needed to move on. To stop living in yesterday. 

And I got angry at them for interfering. I know I shouldn't have, you would have disapproved of my violent methods of forcibly ejecting them from my room, but I couldn't help it. 

They asked too much. 

I know that they are right though. This journal I am keeping must seem a sham to them, a frightening obsession for someone who almost went insane. Who would ever write a journal that backtracks to events almost two years ago…they checked when I had started this journal… 

And found out that it started just before the tragedy…104 days ago. 

They cannot understand…they cannot understand how this is the only way I can keep my sanity after that... 

I can still see the headlines on that day… 

WINNER ENTERPRISES' CEO FIGURES IN A SHUTTLE ACCIDENT 

Billionaire Dies at a Young Age 

… 

They cannot understand how that affected me. To finally be ready and to be denied the pleasure of knowing your love. 

I was never able to touch you nor hold you in my arms. Never been able to wake up to you in the morning just as the sun kisses your brow. 

I have never even said that I love you. 

… 

There are a million yesterdays, a million times where I can be with you, hold you, cherish you in my memories. There is nothing of that sort in the present. 

There are a million yesterdays and only one today. One today where I cannot see your smile or your laughing caring eyes, one today where I can never hear you call my name, one today where I cannot feel the warmth of your love. 

I do not want to live in today. 

~Owari~ 

Um, *peers at people* is that alright, do you think? ^^   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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